Monday, June 9, 2014

all the people...

working in the hotel industry you have the opportunity to meet really interesting people.  and the stories change from day to day.  so you always have a chance to learn something hew or meet a new friend.  for a moment i forgot why i liked being in the industry i am in.

now that i am a little bit older instead of finding things to complain about i have found reasons to smile.  its harder to find but makes the day to day easier to handle.  i enjoy that very much.

i also forgot how cool it was to work with all of your best friends.  so long as you don't get stuck in a rut.  as long as we are all giving each other a hand improving ourselves its all for the best.  i almost feel inspired to start a new blog about them and the people i help on the day to day.  lol

Sunday, June 1, 2014


Someone told me that i should work for Cincinnati's board of commerce.  It is a thought.... lol.

Since I have been  back it has been good to me.  A brilliant apartment with a great view.  Friends that I might as well call family.  Experiences I have never had before.  And work is steady.  Money troubles aren't troubling me.  The only thing standing in my way of a better experience is.... nothing.   I have been enjoying myself even with all of the transitions I have made.

The last time I was this productive was well... I can't remember a time I have been this productive for just myself to be honest.  Cincinnati in all of its charm has been inspiring.  Every time I have left I always come back as a different woman. This time has been even better.... in some ways at least.

From music hall to the western hills; from clifton to downtown; from the east side to north side- the growth going on in this city is amazing.   15 years ago I would have thought this city was dying on its way to being Toledo.  Now with this new face lift I feel comfortable and happy in knowing that I came home. CINCINNATI.  It isn't so bad to call home.  Its GREAT.  I will probably move on to yet another adventure in a bigger city for a spell, but I know for a fact I can always call this beautiful place home.

As Cincinnati changes I am as well.  And if in any moment the city were to take a turn for the worse I can keep it moving and still be able to return to my home.  Until that day comes I am eager to make Cincinnati a better place.  It needs the younger adults to keep its success thriving and I want to be a part of it.

(as a side note.... my thoughts are random and seldom come together with ease.  all of my post will seem a little partial.  as I continue to write them I am sure my posts will increase in quality).

moving on

its a hard thing to do..... trying to disconnect from a past life is difficult.  friends that you may have made, family.... a family you may have became a part of.  love ones that have past on.  moving on is necessary though.  time doesn't stop and staying connected to those we wished would have stayed does us no good.  Your head starts to pound due to the constant battering you give it as you run into the same walls.  Moving on.... is hard to do.  Most times I just run (figuratively speaking) .

In moving forward with your life you have to make one tough decision after another.  I have made a fair share.  The most important one i made (which was almost out of my control).... is to let go.  Its hard.  I want to reach out to him (my ex)and figure out a way to work it out,  I want to talk to Amber and see how she is doing and give her a much needed hug.  I want to tell Jerry to run a better business and I will do what I can to help make it happen.  I want my parents to understand whats going on in my head.  But in wanting all of this, the moment of acceptance has to come.

 I accept the fact that it just didn't work out between he and I no matter how much it hurts. And it hurts an awful lot.  I accept the fact that Amber left her son behind.  I accept the fact that Jerry didn't want to fix his problem.  And I accept the  fact that I am a black sheep not just among my family but others.  step 1) decide step 2) hurt step 3) accept  step 4) share your lesson.

I cant tell you how informative this year has been because it would be a book.  I can summarize it for you though- Life has taught me -and still is teaching me- the lesson of moving on.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Trust....and its many gray areas

I find it easy to first......

Then I just allow people to chip away at it themselves.  The way  I go about these things puts me in harms way....GREATLY.  Can't tell  you how many times I have been burned.  Pretty much ever since I could remember.  As much hurt I have felt in the past, it still doesn't force to deviate from what I feel is innate within me.  To trust is to love.  To love is to be taken advantage of...?  I will continue this thought later.... 

Monday, March 3, 2014

To my own self be tru?

I don't know..... look in the mirror and see... the same strange person I have seen for the past 29 years.  

It  blows my mind that I have gone this long without knowing who I am, loving who I am, being who I am.....  but then I think...... FUCK it!  Maybe this is who I am.

I am all over the place.... I'm bright..... just not the brightest.  I float I discover new things on a daily basis.... Finally I am growing tired of explaining myself to others.  And yes.  This is how I am starting my blog.  if you don't like it stop reading it. 

I am an individual and there is no one on this planet that is a copy of me.  I can finally say.... it feels good!!!!

(none of this makes any good sense.  Imagine me standing at the edge of a cliff screaming at the top of my lungs.... hair flowing effortlessly into the wind........ smiling cheek to cheek.)

 It has been rough for the past few months..... I lost my best asset... and that was myself.  I stopped trying things that I knew I liked.  I stopped seeking out adventure.  I got more and more afraid of the unknown..... I always have been but now its different...... It is so harmful to get stuck in a rut at this age, living in a new and wonderful place, with tons of things that I like surrounding me...... Beer, water, buildings, food, and people.  What more does a girl like me need........?  Love?   

HELL YEA!! but......

Love... I am so tired of it romantic movies make me a bit ill.  Whenever we are sitting around looking for something to watch I scoff at the very sight of Tom Hanks, Sandra Bullock, Taye Diggs etc...   I have a boyfriend.... one in which I love very much.  Maybe too much?  I forgot about somebody who is key to making our cool thing last... ME!  

I have literally been hiding. LOL.  I have been playing the blame game.  "It's the weather...." "I don't understand why He doesn't read my mind and just know exactly what the hell I am thinking."   I always call people punks for not dealing with their problems and facing what they fear the most...... Well aren't I the pot calling the kettle black..... I have been hiding from me.  Sucks too... I can't hide from her.... under the covers, in a closet, under a bed..... no matter where I turn she is right their on my back.  

I fear the loss of my relationship greater than the black plague...... and I over compensate.  Fearful that I am not good enough.  fearing that maybe one day he will find someone better.....  Fear is/was eating me alive.  I t is keeping me from happiness.  Today YES Today,  I am breaking the cycle.  

I can't keep living in fear, I can't keep running away from myself, and I can't keep over compensating for my "flaws" expecting it to be enough to save my relationship.  I have to embrace being this brash, weird, creative, open, and active person.  I figure if I do that.... the relationship will work itself out.  lol.  

Thanks for listening......