I don't know..... look in the mirror and see... the same strange person I have seen for the past 29 years.
It blows my mind that I have gone this long without knowing who I am, loving who I am, being who I am..... but then I think...... FUCK it! Maybe this is who I am.
I am all over the place.... I'm bright..... just not the brightest. I float I discover new things on a daily basis.... Finally I am growing tired of explaining myself to others. And yes. This is how I am starting my blog. if you don't like it stop reading it.
I am an individual and there is no one on this planet that is a copy of me. I can finally say.... it feels good!!!!
(none of this makes any good sense. Imagine me standing at the edge of a cliff screaming at the top of my lungs.... hair flowing effortlessly into the wind........ smiling cheek to cheek.)
It has been rough for the past few months..... I lost my best asset... and that was myself. I stopped trying things that I knew I liked. I stopped seeking out adventure. I got more and more afraid of the unknown..... I always have been but now its different...... It is so harmful to get stuck in a rut at this age, living in a new and wonderful place, with tons of things that I like surrounding me...... Beer, water, buildings, food, and people. What more does a girl like me need........? Love?
HELL YEA!! but......
Love... love...love... I am so tired of it romantic movies make me a bit ill. Whenever we are sitting around looking for something to watch I scoff at the very sight of Tom Hanks, Sandra Bullock, Taye Diggs etc... I have a boyfriend.... one in which I love very much. Maybe too much? I forgot about somebody who is key to making our cool thing last... ME!
I have literally been hiding. LOL. I have been playing the blame game. "It's the weather...." "I don't understand why He doesn't read my mind and just know exactly what the hell I am thinking." I always call people punks for not dealing with their problems and facing what they fear the most...... Well aren't I the pot calling the kettle black..... I have been hiding from me. Sucks too... I can't hide from her.... under the covers, in a closet, under a bed..... no matter where I turn she is right their on my back.
I fear the loss of my relationship greater than the black plague...... and I over compensate. Fearful that I am not good enough. fearing that maybe one day he will find someone better..... Fear is/was eating me alive. I t is keeping me from happiness. Today YES Today, I am breaking the cycle.
I can't keep living in fear, I can't keep running away from myself, and I can't keep over compensating for my "flaws" expecting it to be enough to save my relationship. I have to embrace being this brash, weird, creative, open, and active person. I figure if I do that.... the relationship will work itself out. lol.
Thanks for listening......
Serenity
(none of this makes any good sense. Imagine me standing at the edge of a cliff screaming at the top of my lungs.... hair flowing effortlessly into the wind........ smiling cheek to cheek.)
It has been rough for the past few months..... I lost my best asset... and that was myself. I stopped trying things that I knew I liked. I stopped seeking out adventure. I got more and more afraid of the unknown..... I always have been but now its different...... It is so harmful to get stuck in a rut at this age, living in a new and wonderful place, with tons of things that I like surrounding me...... Beer, water, buildings, food, and people. What more does a girl like me need........? Love?
HELL YEA!! but......
Love... love...love... I am so tired of it romantic movies make me a bit ill. Whenever we are sitting around looking for something to watch I scoff at the very sight of Tom Hanks, Sandra Bullock, Taye Diggs etc... I have a boyfriend.... one in which I love very much. Maybe too much? I forgot about somebody who is key to making our cool thing last... ME!
I have literally been hiding. LOL. I have been playing the blame game. "It's the weather...." "I don't understand why He doesn't read my mind and just know exactly what the hell I am thinking." I always call people punks for not dealing with their problems and facing what they fear the most...... Well aren't I the pot calling the kettle black..... I have been hiding from me. Sucks too... I can't hide from her.... under the covers, in a closet, under a bed..... no matter where I turn she is right their on my back.
I fear the loss of my relationship greater than the black plague...... and I over compensate. Fearful that I am not good enough. fearing that maybe one day he will find someone better..... Fear is/was eating me alive. I t is keeping me from happiness. Today YES Today, I am breaking the cycle.
I can't keep living in fear, I can't keep running away from myself, and I can't keep over compensating for my "flaws" expecting it to be enough to save my relationship. I have to embrace being this brash, weird, creative, open, and active person. I figure if I do that.... the relationship will work itself out. lol.
Thanks for listening......
Serenity
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