Monday, March 3, 2014

To my own self be tru?

I don't know..... look in the mirror and see... the same strange person I have seen for the past 29 years.  

It  blows my mind that I have gone this long without knowing who I am, loving who I am, being who I am.....  but then I think...... FUCK it!  Maybe this is who I am.

I am all over the place.... I'm bright..... just not the brightest.  I float I discover new things on a daily basis.... Finally I am growing tired of explaining myself to others.  And yes.  This is how I am starting my blog.  if you don't like it stop reading it. 

I am an individual and there is no one on this planet that is a copy of me.  I can finally say.... it feels good!!!!

(none of this makes any good sense.  Imagine me standing at the edge of a cliff screaming at the top of my lungs.... hair flowing effortlessly into the wind........ smiling cheek to cheek.)

 It has been rough for the past few months..... I lost my best asset... and that was myself.  I stopped trying things that I knew I liked.  I stopped seeking out adventure.  I got more and more afraid of the unknown..... I always have been but now its different...... It is so harmful to get stuck in a rut at this age, living in a new and wonderful place, with tons of things that I like surrounding me...... Beer, water, buildings, food, and people.  What more does a girl like me need........?  Love?   

HELL YEA!! but......

Love... I am so tired of it romantic movies make me a bit ill.  Whenever we are sitting around looking for something to watch I scoff at the very sight of Tom Hanks, Sandra Bullock, Taye Diggs etc...   I have a boyfriend.... one in which I love very much.  Maybe too much?  I forgot about somebody who is key to making our cool thing last... ME!  

I have literally been hiding. LOL.  I have been playing the blame game.  "It's the weather...." "I don't understand why He doesn't read my mind and just know exactly what the hell I am thinking."   I always call people punks for not dealing with their problems and facing what they fear the most...... Well aren't I the pot calling the kettle black..... I have been hiding from me.  Sucks too... I can't hide from her.... under the covers, in a closet, under a bed..... no matter where I turn she is right their on my back.  

I fear the loss of my relationship greater than the black plague...... and I over compensate.  Fearful that I am not good enough.  fearing that maybe one day he will find someone better.....  Fear is/was eating me alive.  I t is keeping me from happiness.  Today YES Today,  I am breaking the cycle.  

I can't keep living in fear, I can't keep running away from myself, and I can't keep over compensating for my "flaws" expecting it to be enough to save my relationship.  I have to embrace being this brash, weird, creative, open, and active person.  I figure if I do that.... the relationship will work itself out.  lol.  

Thanks for listening......

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